No, Dick Size Doesn't Matter as Much as You Think

Dear Michelle,

Is a woman's best sex always her biggest, or can chemistry, creativity, and effort overcome that?

– A Curious Single Guy

Dear Curious Single Guy,

Ah, the age-old debate — the argument that lingers in locker rooms, message boards, and the fragile egos of men everywhere. It's time to be honest: the real issue isn't the inches, but the patriarchy that has men convinced their entire sexual worth is measured in length.

Because, honey, if you're hyper-focused on the size of your love wand, you're missing the bigger picture (pun absolutely intended). Society has spent decades brainwashing men into thinking bigger means better — while conveniently ignoring that women's pleasure is about so much more than just penetration. If you really want to know what matters in bed, put down the measuring tape and start paying attention.

Before you get carried away comparing yourself to a remote control, let's ground this conversation in actual science. A 2023 study examined more than 55,000 men across 75 studies (yes, scientists have really been out here measuring dicks for decades) and found that the average flaccid penis is 3.4 inches (8.7 cm), a stretched-but-soft one is 5.1 inches (12.93 cm), and an erect one comes in at 5.5 inches (13.93 cm).

Shocked? Most people are — especially when you realize that the iPhone 16 Plus is literally bigger than the average penis. But here's the kicker: penis size has actually increased by 24 percent over the last 30 years (from 4.8 inches in 1942 to 6 inches in 2021). While some might be celebrating, scientists are side-eyeing this trend, questioning whether it's linked to environmental toxins, hormonal shifts, or our increasingly sedentary lifestyles. So before you go bragging, maybe check what's in your water first.

Now, let's talk about what actually matters — pleasure. And when it comes to heterosexual women's pleasure? Well, let's just say the orgasm gap is bigger than the Grand Canyon.

A 2018 study of over 52,000 people found that while 95 percent of straight men orgasm during sex, only 65 percent of straight women do. Meanwhile, lesbian women are out here thriving at 86 percent, and more often than not, there's no penis involved at all. If size is the golden ticket to mind-blowing sex, why are heterosexual women having the fewest orgasms in the game? Simple: penetration alone isn't getting the job done.

Only 18 percent of women can climax solely from vaginal intercourse, according to research. The rest? They need external stimulation, emotional connection, and a whole lot of effort. So while you're spiraling over inches, she's probably wondering why you haven't found her clitoris yet.

In an effort for all of us to upgrade our game in the bedroom, stop worrying about size and start focusing on the most powerful sex organ you have — your brain. Science backs it up: your brain controls arousal, orgasm, and emotional connection. If your mind isn't in it, your body won't be either. That's why stress, overthinking, and distractions can kill the mood faster than bad WiFi, while fantasy, chemistry, and deep connection can turn good sex into unforgettable sex.

And when that orgasm finally hits, your brain throws a full-on chemical party, flooding your system with oxytocin (the "love hormone" that makes you feel all warm and connected), dopamine (the pleasure drug that keeps you coming back for more), and vasopressin (the post-sex cuddle chemical that makes you think, "Yeah, I could definitely do that again.") It's your brain's way of rewarding you for a job well done — so if you're doing it right, you're not just getting off, you're literally getting high on your own supply.

Even wilder? Parts of your brain literally shut down during orgasm. In women, the areas controlling thoughts and emotions go quiet, making it easier to fully let go. In men, the brain's "stay alert" switch powers down, leading to that post-nut coma. And the prefrontal cortex — the decision-making HQ — takes a backseat, which explains why orgasms can feel like an out-of-body experience. Translation? If you're not engaging her mentally, you're not unlocking her full pleasure potential.

The real question isn't "Am I big enough?" — it's "Am I paying attention?" Because pleasure isn't about one body part; it's an all-body experience. The clitoris isn't just a tiny love button, it's a full-on powerhouse with 8,000-plus nerve endings, twice as many as the penis, and it extends deep into the body, wrapping around the vaginal canal. And while the clitoris is the MVP, pleasure doesn't stop there.

The neck, ears, collarbone, nipples, inner thighs, lower back, and even armpits (yes, armpits!) are all erogenous zones waiting to be explored. And don't sleep on the feet — love them or hate them, they're loaded with nerve endings that can send shivers up the spine. Women's pleasure isn't a button you press. It's a symphony, and every part of her body plays a role.

If you really want to step up your game, slow it down and pay attention. Foreplay isn't a warm-up act — it's the main event, so whatever you think is enough, double it (and then add some more for good measure). If you're touching only one part of her body, you're doing it wrong. And if you're relying on guesswork instead of actual communication, you might as well be fumbling in the dark.

Here's the final verdict: not as much as you think. What does matter? Confidence, communication, creativity, and effort. If you're bringing those to the table, she's way more likely to leave the bedroom satisfied — no measuring tape required.

Instead of spiraling over inches, ditch the outdated patriarchal playbook, lean into curiosity, and focus on what actually makes sex great. Because at the end of the day, it's not the size of your ship, but the motion you bring to that ocean that makes all the difference.

Happy sailing,

Michelle

Sexpert Positions is a monthly column where sexologist Michelle Hope answers your most pressing questions about sex. Have a topic you want addressed? Drop Michelle a message on Instagram or email her at SexpertPositions@voxmedia.com. By submitting a question, you agree to our Submission Terms.

Michelle Hope (she/they) is your go-to maven for all things sex, love, and modern relationships. A sexologist, author, and advocate for reproductive justice and sexual health equity, Michelle infuses her deep knowledge and extensive field experience into every dialogue. Whether breaking down barriers in conversation or pushing the boundaries of social norms, her approach is provocative, enlightening, and never for the faint of heart. Exploring the intersections of identity and desire, Michelle is here to shake up your perspectives, one bold truth at a time. Michelle is a PS Council member.